Andrew Dubber

I went on that boat. I got wet.

Before I left to go to Canada, we had a look on the map to see where things were. Jake was the first to notice that Hamilton was not far from Niagara Falls.

“You can’t go all that way and not go to Niagara, dad…”

And he was right. Mike from Vibewrangler, and Dave from the band Mississippi Kings offered to take me there on a day trip, and it was a really incredible experience. The magnificent grandeur and the spectacle of the falls themselves is brilliantly offset by the most outrageously gaudy, cheesy and Disneylandish tourist trap parade you’ve ever seen.

It’s jaw-droppingly awful.

This is going to take a few images to sink in. Diabetics may need to avert their eyes…

The worst/best sign ever. Every letter a different shade of wrong.

The Rainforest Cafe – in the least rainforesty bit of North America.

Not shown: giant burger-eating Frankenstein’s pirate flag, left of the photo.
No, I don’t get it either.

This picture is not sideways – the building is. And that window-cleaner is a robot.

Mike basks in all the awful

We kicked things off at the casino, where we headed to the roulette table. I’d never played before so after carefully watching Mike go up and down in fortunes for a little while, I purchased a little pile of chips with the intention of spending that money on the experience of gambling – just to see what it’s like.

It turns out that what happens is you put the chips on some random numbers, watch a wheel spin around, and then a man in a bowtie takes your money away. The whole thing takes about 30 seconds.

Interestingly though – Mike tripled his money, and so offered to take us out to lunch, which for my part cost him more than I’d gambled – so in a sense, I was the overall winner of roulette and barbecued ribs.

Maid of the Mist

After we’d had enough of the beer, the meat and the absolute cheese Niagara had to offer, it was time to get in a boat, put on a big blue plastic bag and get wet [Facebook readers* - the video is here].

One of the things Canadians love about Niagara Falls is the fact that their one is bigger than the American one. There are two main falls – one really impressive one, and one horseshoe-shaped, amazingly impressive and super huge one. Canada wins at waterfalls.

And it’s the moment at which you get to the centre of that horseshoe, the water is churning beneath you and you feel like they’ve turned a firehose on you that the famous announcement comes over the speaker:

“Ladies and Gentlemen – THIS is Niagara Falls!” – and everyone cheers in a Canadian accent.

Later, I found myself wondering whether it shouldn’t be “these are Niagara Falls” – but it’s not important.

Zoltar speaks

But impressive as the Falls were – nothing could top the excitement of our discovery of Zoltar [video link] – the very same one that that turned a kid into Tom Hanks in the movie Big.

Zoltar was awesome. Uncannily prescient and insightful. Or, looked at another way, a vaguely racist robot-in-a-box sideshow contraption. It’s one or the other.

We readied ourselves for the drive back to base with some cool refreshments. It was an amazing day, weather-wise and so we were somewhat depleted in the heat.

Mike opted for a slurpee – a radioactive and nutrition-free drink made of chipped ice. That cup he’s holding is completely transparent. That two-tone orange and blue you see is the colour of the drink itself. Later, he complained of a headache.

In all – Niagara was an absolute highlight for me. The three of us had a complete ball: a real guys day out. We steered clear of the wax museums, ‘entertaining’ rides and strip clubs, but we did have beer, gambling, boating, hilarity, food served in piles – and we had pitted ourselves against the elements.

What’s not to like?

If you’re reading this in Facebook, it’s because my personal blog automatically imports here. It’s great – except it leaves the videos behind. For the sake of Facebook readers, I’ve included video links where appropriate. People reading my blog proper will see the videos in the correct place.